Boys are Wimps
by MyrtleofMarigold
Summary: Everything in Anastasia’s world was picture-perfect after she was reunited with her royal family.. Or is it? The love of her life fancies her mortal enemy, her grandmother is an alcoholic, and she might just be loosing her mind! What else could happen?
1. Chapter 1

Boys are Wimps  
  
Title: Boys are Wimps  
  
Author: Myrtle (quidditchklopper@hotmail.com)  
  
Subject: Anastasia (the 1997 cartoon film)  
  
Pairing(s): Rasputin/Dimitri, Empress Marie/ Bartok, .  
  
Rating: PG for a bit of language, an ickle bit of yaoi, and a whole lot of stupidity  
  
Disclaimer: This fanfic is based on the 1997 film "Anastasia". It seems that they didn't make much of an effort to have their movie be politically correct, so I'll do the same. And it is THEIR (20th Century Fox and Lucasfilm) movie, not mine, thank-you-very-much! So bugger off! (AKA: don't sue)  
  
Summary: Everything in Anastasia's world was picture-perfect after she was reunited with her royal family.. Or is it? The love of her life fancies her mortal enemy, her grandmother is an alcoholic, and she might just be loosing her mind! What else could happen? Loads.  
  
Dialouge: "talking" [author's words] ***different scene/time/etc***  
  
CHAPTER ONE  
  
Rolling over in his bed, Vladimir tried to block out the unpleasant sounds that were coming from the hall. After a few more minutes he gave up, standing up and tying on his robe. Leaning against the door slightly, Vladimir listened to the muffled yells.  
  
"Rasputin?? What do you mean, RASPUTIN!?" came the angry voice of Anastasia.  
  
"Well, it's kind of hard to explain.. Anastasia, don't look at me like that! Believe me, I KNOW it's weird, but it's true, so if you'll just calm down.."  
  
"CALM DOWN?! How can I just CALM DOWN! Why don't you just EXPLAIN YOURSELF?"  
  
Vladimir guessed that they were walking down the hall nearer to his room. He waited until they were right next to his door, then he opened it calmly.  
  
Anastasia was already dressed in a plain peasant's gown. Even though she was the daughter of the former czar of Russia, she always complained of the uncomfortable regal clothing and only wore it on special occasions. Her hair was loose, falling down past her shoulders. Next to her was Dimitri, looking sheepish.  
  
"Good Morning, Vladmir!" he said in a rush, happy to have someone to change the subject. Anastasia was not as easily stopped.  
  
"Vladmir, do you know who- sorry, WHAT Dimitri wants to date?" said Anastasia.  
  
"Rasputin." said Vladmir calmly, " He already told me."  
  
"He already.. Why am I always the last to know about things around here?"  
  
"We knew you would overreact," put in Dimitri.  
  
Anastasia jabbed her finger in Dimitri's face, " You're already in enough trouble as it is!" she said. Dimitri backed away from the accusing finger warily. Anastasia could really pack a punch when she wanted to.  
  
"And I am NOT overreacting!" she screamed, clenching her fists.  
  
"Of course you aren't," said Vladmir soothingly. He had read somewhere that you should always agree with a lunatic. Might as well be safe, he mused, "Come dear, let's go have some tea and talk it over."  
  
Vladmir took a firm hold on her shoulders and led her to the parlor.  
  
Anastasia's grandmother, the Dowager Empress Marie, was already treating herself to some tea. Or at least what looked like tea.  
  
"Gram, what's that next to your tea cup?" asked Anastasia suspiciously, picking it up,"is this RUM?"  
  
"Oh, no, dearie," said the dowager empress, snatching the bottle safely away from her granddaughter, "That's where I keep the..the water. I use it to dilute the tea when it's too strong."  
  
"Right."  
  
"I'm sure you want to talk to me about Dimitri and his situation concerning Rasputin," said the empress hurriedly, trying to change the subject.  
  
"How could he? How could it be possible? " questioned Anastasia, remembering her anger and forgetting about the rum bottle.  
  
Tucking the bottle under the cushion of her seat, the empress gave her daughter a pitying look.  
  
"Yes, I know it's very unfortunate, especially since we all thought he was going to marry.." the empress stopped mid sentence. Everyone had assumed Dimitri would marry Anastasia. The empress knew her granddaughter still loved him, despite the fact that he no longer loved her.  
  
"Uh- hello, I'm still here," said Dimitri, annoyed, "You don't have to talk about me like I'm not in the room."  
  
The regal women glared at him.  
  
"B-But, I can leave, if you want," said Dimitri nervously, trying to back out of the door but only succeeding in backing into Vladimir.  
  
"Oh, no, Dimitri," said the empress in an icy voice, " I was hoping you would talk to Anastasia alone."  
  
The dowager empress stood up and swept past Dimitri and Vladmir, forgetting the bottle she had stuffed under the cushion.  
  
"Uh..Good-bye, Vladmir," said Dimitri, feverishly hoping that the huge man would leave too and he could make his escape out the door.  
  
"I'm quite comfortable where I am, thank you," said Vladimir, blocking any retreat by stationing himself in the doorway.  
  
Resigned, Dimitri sighed and slumped onto a chair.  
  
"Now, explain it to me once again, Vladmir. Why do you fancy my arch nemesis, the one that sold his soul to the devil!?" asked Anastasia, her voice rising as she talked.  
  
" I can't explain it," admitted Dimitri, " I just do, okay? And anyway, I think he sort of likes me."  
  
"Yeah, right, like THAT would ever happen!" scoffed Anastasia.  
  
***  
  
"Bartok, I am beginning to worry..," said Rasputin in a worn voice, cracked and sounding like it hadn't been used for years.  
  
The small white bat looked over at his master anxiously, "Did your eye fall out again?" he asked, flying over to perch on Rasputin's shoulder.  
  
"No, no.. It's just, I don't think I hate that Dimitri boy..in fact, I think he's quite decent for, you know..," Rasputin didn't want to say it.  
  
"A good guy?" finished the bat for his master.  
  
Rasputin didn't answer. He was trying to find his lips. They must have fallen around him somewhere.  
  
***  
  
It was unusually quiet that night around the supper table. Dimitri looked nervous, Vladimir looked tense, and the dowager empress swayed slightly from side to side. There was no doubt about it-she was drunk.  
  
However, this was lost on Anastasia. She was deep in thought, remembering a conversation she had been having earlier that day with Dimitri:  
  
Anastasia wasn't getting the kind of answers she wanted from Dimitri, yet she was convinced that she would in time. With this motive, she continued to reprimand Dimitri harshly and rather loudly.  
  
"How could you like that monster! He tried to KILL you!" she yelled for what seemed to be the hundredth time.  
  
"I told you, it's a love-hate relationship!"  
  
Anastasia ignored this comment.  
  
"You can't date him anyway, he's dead." said Anastasia triumphantly, thinking she had won the fight. "Actually, hell didn't want him," answered Dimitri truthfully, shifting in his chair uncomfortably.  
  
" I wonder why.," said Anastasia sarcastically.  
  
Now, sitting at the silent table, Anastasia came back to reality and stood up abruptly.  
  
" Go ahead, I'm sure you're all just DYING to tell me!" she announced, " So go ahead, does anyone else know of any other MYSTERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS I should know about?"  
  
Sitting down, Anastasia gave everyone a defiant look, as if she was daring one of them to give an answer to her angry outburst.  
  
The empress stood up unsteadily, clutching the table for support.  
  
"Dearie, I'm having an affair with the bat,"  
  
***  
  
Rasputin poured the last of the sparkling cider into two containers, a large glass for himself and a small vial for his bat companion.  
  
"So you like older women, eh?" asked Rasputin, reclining back on a rock, the only piece of furniture he had in his new hideout- a gloomy cave.  
  
Bartok looked quite at home in the dank surroundings, "Eh, yes sir, yes. I do."  
  
"Ah, an inter-species relationship..nice.." muttered Rasputin.  
  
"Eh? What did you say, master?"  
  
"Cheers, Bartok."  
  
Authors Note: My apologies for this being such a short chapter *dramatic sigh* Sadly, I have a life. I know, I know.'tis quite tragic. Anyways, when I first wrote this fanfic, I thought it was the only Anastasia fan fiction, but I just did a search and there are LOADS of them. Which shows that I'm not the only one going mad. Well, that's a comfort. I wish I could tell you that this is a really original fic, but I guess its not. BUT I do think it might be one of the only Dimitri/Rasputin pairs. I mean, cos Rasputin is sort of DEAD and all. In hell, or turned to dust, or something. I was never quite clear on that part of the story. However, if you do find another fanfic with Dimitri/Rasputin, be sure to send it my way. That way I can read it and maybe meet up with the writer and "take care" of them so my story will be the only.*ahem* anyway, read and review, and please don't sue (cos I don't own ANY of this stuff!).  
  
..I'm just kidding about taking care of the other writer..You know that, right? RIGHT!? 


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO  
  
Rasputin cackled evilly.  
  
"I win! I win!" He yelled triumphantly, jumping up and down gleefully.  
  
"Eh, sir, it's just a card game.." began Bartok.  
  
"Just a card game? JUST a card game?" said Rasputin, who looked mortally offended, "My dear minion, this is not JUST a card game, this is GO FISH!"  
  
Bartok eyed his master warily. He had come to the conclusion that Rasputin had gone off his rocker after the incident when Rasputin's magic had broken. And Bartok was pretty sure that being turned into dust wasn't the most pleasant experience, either. Of course, Rasputin was back in his human form, but Bartok still thought more could be done for him.  
  
"Sir, you need to get out more often," said Bartok, choosing his words carefully, "You know, learn a few of those new dance steps-"  
  
"Who would dance with me?" asked Rasputin, depressed again.  
  
"Maybe I could be of assistance," a voice came from the mouth of the cave.  
  
"Who's there?" said Rasputin in a booming voice that was meant to sound impressive but only came out sounding scared.  
  
"It's me.. Dimitri,"  
  
***  
  
Anastasia found herself lying on the floor in a heap. What had happened? She remembered talking to Dimitri, once again trying to talk him out of associating with Rasputin. Then they had tea, tea that Dimitri had fetched from the kitchen. Then she became tired, so tired that she could not keep her eyes open a moment longer, let alone stop Dimitri from hurrying out the room to heaven-knows-where. "Where could he have gone-" Anastasia began, but then she knew exactly where was.  
  
"Dammit!"  
  
Anastasia rushed out of the room. Oh, when she got her hands on Dimitri.  
  
***  
  
"So, let me get this straight. You drugged your girlfriend-"  
  
"No, I wouldn't exactly call her my girl friend. Just a friend, That happens to be a girl..." Dimitri's voice trailed off.  
  
"Right. So, you did this to Anastasia so you could come see me?" asked Rasputin.  
  
"Well, yes."  
  
"And are you going to tell me WHY you've taken a sudden interest in my activities?" said Rasputin, tucking his cards away in his pocket.  
  
"Well, I thought maybe we could..er.well.get together?"  
  
"Get together."  
  
"Uh, yeah."  
  
"You and me."  
  
"Er, that sounds about right."  
  
"Are you out of your mind?!"  
  
Dimitri scowled, "You sound like Anastasia." Dimitri told Rasputin haughtily, " Couldn't you just give it a chance?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?" Dimitri put his hand on his hips, tapping one foot impatiently.  
  
"Isn't it obvious? I'm evil, you're not. You're on the good side; I'm on the bad side.. What other reasons do you need!?"  
  
Dimitri opened his mouth to talk to him, then abruptly shut it. He did this a few more times, seemingly thinking very hard.  
  
Finally, he spoke, "Please?"  
  
Rasputin gave Dimitri a sour look.  
  
"Oh, to hell with it!" he cursed, "I'll do it! But only if you promise to never come to this place again!"  
  
"Don't worry," said Dimitri disdainfully, checking his expensive shoes for bat dung.  
  
***  
  
Anastasia had been waiting on the front steps of her extensive mansion for over two hours.  
  
"Where the hell is that carriage?" she muttered under her breath, checking her watch. Stomping angrily inside, she went into the living room where her grandmother was looking under her armchair's cushion.  
  
"I was sure I put it here somewhere.." she heard her grandmother mumble.  
  
"Grams? Where's the carriage I requested?"  
  
"What marriage?"  
  
"Not marriage, a carriage for me."  
  
"Oh, no, you won't be married for some time, dearie. You see, your fiancé fancies Rasputin."  
  
"I'm AWARE of that, but I need a carriage!"  
  
The empress now looked thoroughly cross, "Well, dear, you're going to have to wait for a suitor, you know. You can't have a marriage all by your self."  
  
The doorbell rang before Anastasia could correct her grandmother  
  
"Oh, I wonder who that could be?" said Anastasia, hurrying away from her confused grandmother.  
  
Anastasia opened the door before the maid could get to it, but when she opened the door, there was no one there. "Seriously, kids these days are so immature!" she exclaimed, stomping her foot angrily.  
  
***  
  
Dimitri was on his hands and knees in the bushes outside of the family mansion.  
  
"I can't believe your bloody hand came off." said Dimitri through gritted teeth, "and why don't you help me out here?"  
  
" I've been thinking," said Rasputin to Dimitri, ignoring his earlier comment, "Anastasia wasn't exactly joyous when you told her about us, am I right?"  
  
"She hated the idea!" said Dimitri, "So?"  
  
"So, I'm sure she would just LOVE for us to stroll through the door hand in hand, right?"  
  
"Right, I mean, not right, I mean." Dimitri stopped. He was confusing himself.  
  
"What are you getting at?" demanded Dimitri, suddenly spotting Rasputin's hand. The hand seemed to have seen Dimitri too, and it was scurrying away on the tips of its fingers. Dimitri lunged forward, falling on his stomach but succeeding in catching Rasputin's thumb. Pulling it forward, he threw it to Rasputin. Rasputin grabbed for it, but only hit one of the branches of the bush with his remaining hand.  
  
"It's a damn good thing that I can't feel any pain!" exclaimed Rasputin.  
  
Dimitri rolled his eyes, "So, what do suggest we do?"  
  
"About my hand?"  
  
"No, about Anastasia not being thrilled with us."  
  
"Well. We'll have to date in secret."  
  
Dimitri nodded, and the two said at the same time, "That girl has a mean punch."  
  
***  
  
Rushing out of the mansion, Anastasia hurried to where her grandmother had told her "that lovely bat and that man Dimitri fancies" lived. There had been a light shower that morning, and as Anastasia walked across the street, she accidentally stepped in some mud.  
  
"Shit!" She yelled, disturbing some lovers that were strolling along in front of her.  
  
"I swear, I am going to kill Dimitri!" she muttered under her breath.  
  
Author's Note: Er, a bit more swearing in this chapter, and there will be more, I assure you.So, maybe PG-13? I'm not good at this rating thing. But it WON'T be rated R, and its obviously not G.somewhere in between? I guess it depends on your opinion of yaoi (guy/ guy relationships).. while I'm on the subject, just wanted to let you know, I'm using yaoi for humor purposes, nothing more. So please don't be offended.. This is my first fan fiction (that I actually have continued to write and not stopped after the prologue XP argh don't read my other story please!), so if you guys could give me a few pointers, it would be greatly appreciated! 


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE  
  
Rasputin felt utterly mortified. How could he have let this happen? He, who had cast a powerful curse and began the Russian revolution. He, who sold his very soul to the devil!  
  
"Oh, c'mon, Rasputin. You look nice, really!" said Dimitri.  
  
"I do not WANT to look nice!" spat Rasputin. They stood outside the door to Anastasia's mansion. Rasputin was dressed in a pink frilly dress that came down to his ankles. At his side he swung a small pink handbag. "This is NOT what I meant by 'dating in secret'! Could you take me out somewhere nice, maybe?"  
  
"Sorry, the parlor is all I can afford." replied Dimitri, shrugging.  
  
Rasputin sniffed haughtily, "Your friends may be stupid, but they couldn't possibly be this stupid. We are never going to fool them into thinking I'm a girl. Never."  
  
*** The empress smiled and set her tea down on the parlor table.  
  
"So, who's your tall lady friend, Dimitri?"  
  
"Her name is.. Jane."  
  
"Well, isn't that nice." said the dowager pleasantly, "Shall I get you two some tea?"  
  
"That would be lovely," said Dimitri, hoping to get her out of the room.  
  
After the empress had left the room, Dimitri frowned at Rasputin.  
  
"Couldn't you try to play the part?" Dimitri asked, "You could at least talk, you know."  
  
"Just be glad that she thinks I'm a girl. I thought you said she wasn't stupid?"  
  
"Well, she's not. She's something better than that."  
  
"And what would that be?"  
  
"She's drunk."  
  
The empress returned a few moments later with the tea.  
  
"Here you go, dear." she said, placing a steaming cup in front of Rasputin.  
  
Rasputin picked up the tea and brought it to his lips. He didn't have to eat or drink after the time he sold his soul to the devil, but he thought he might as well play the part of "Jane". After taking a small sip, Rasputin [Jane?] set his cup down on the table. Rasputin almost scowled at the old woman. Why was she staring at him?  
  
"Is there a problem?" he asked, disguising his voice to what he thought was a convincing girl's voice.  
  
"Dear, I believe your nose just fell off."  
  
***  
  
Anastasia sighed and sat down on a nearby rock. No one was in the cave, and she was afraid her new boots were ruined. Sighing, she decided to give up and go home. Outside, she could see rain had already began to fall.  
  
"Peachy," she muttered angrily, "Just peachy."  
  
***  
  
The old empress had been rambling on for some time now, and Dimitri's eyes were beginning to glaze over. Occasionally he would nod or say something like "Very true, yes, couldn't have said it better myself," but beyond that, he said nothing more. The empress didn't notice-she didn't care if anyone was listening, as long as she could talk.  
  
Rasputin rolled his eyes. Was this what the upper class did all day? How dull. And what kind of date is this? He shifted restlessly in his seat. This was NOT worth the dress, although he did sort of like the handbag.  
  
The empress stood up to look out the window.  
  
"My, it's getting late. Anastasia should be getting home soon."  
  
Dimitri snapped to attention.  
  
"A-Anastasia?" he stuttered. He had forgotten all about her. He had to do something to get the old dowager out of the parlor before Anastasia got back.  
  
"Do you have any more tea?" asked Dimitri politely, pouring his untouched tea into a potted plant beside him.  
  
"If you'd like, I could go get some more,"  
  
Dimitri nodded.  
  
As soon as the dowager left the room, Dimitri and Rasputin exchanged glances.  
  
"Anastasia isn't an alcoholic, is she?" asked Rasputin nervously.  
  
"I'm afraid not,"  
  
" I suppose I'll have to leave, then- what the hell is under my cushion?" asked Rasputin, pulling out a familiar bottle.  
  
Before Dimitri could explain, the doorbell rang.  
  
The color drained out of his face.  
  
"Get out, get out now!" he said in a panicked voice.  
  
"And how do you think I'm going to-" Rasputin began, but he was interrupted by Dimitri.  
  
"Out the window! And hurry!"  
  
Rasputin gave Dimitri a withering look.  
  
"You don't really expect me to go out the window!" But Dimitri was already pushing back the curtains and lifting up the window.  
  
"This is so undignified," said Rasputin, hitching up his many skirts and carefully climbing outside the frame.  
  
Dimitri heard footsteps approaching the parlor room. Dimitri dashed over to the open window, and roughly pushed Rasputin through.  
  
The parlor door opened to admit the empress dowager and Anastasia.  
  
Dimitri smiled guiltily.  
  
"There's no one outside the window, no sir, just opening up the window for some fresh air!" said Dimitri quickly.  
  
Anastasia rolled her eyes. "You're so weird, Dimitri,"  
  
Author's Note: Okay, I know, that was a really short chapter, but I'm trying to get past this bloody writer's block, and when I can't do that, insanity is usually the result. I know Kaz is rolling her eyes at my story right now. Believe me Kaz, it makes A LOT more sense if you've actually seen the movie.Oh, and you misspelled "weird".So I thought I'd include that phrase in the story ^^.. Anyway, I know a lot of you are reading, but try to post some reviews too, okay? Ciao for now! 


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